Office Space

I’ve had a few jobs before this one. I was a lifeguard during high school. I worked in an office. I worked in a warehouse twice, once on conveyor belts and once driving forklifts. I’ve done event planning and project editing. But it wasn’t until this job that I got completely enveloped in working culture. I guess working for the government will do that to you. Suddenly Dilbert is a lot funnier to me. The cubicles stretch as far as the eye can see, and I have to share mine with another low guy on the totem pole. (Actually, our workspace is quite ample, but we still feel like prison inmates in our cell.) I thought I would lay out the office hierarchy since it is the prototypical government office, and in many ways is just as funny as Dilbert’s world.

First, you have the director. She’s the boss. I have never seen her, although I have been in her office suite and I occasionally use her nice conference room. Along with the director comes her secretary, who has chocolate at her desk for all to partake at any given moment. My place of work is not conducive to losing weight. You definitely want to be on the secretary’s good side, so you smile and chat when you see her.
Then you have the division head. I’ve actually met him. He does a very good job at seeming friendly and personable, whether or not that is the reality. He consistently dresses a little nicer than most people here. (Actually, he’s probably the best-dressed man in the office. Other than myself, of course.)
After the division head come the group leaders. I work with two groups. One of them has a leader that vaguely reminds me of my 10th grade math teacher. I think it’s the slightly crooked teeth and the shifty eyes. *shivers* His leadership style involves opening lots of Pandora’s boxes without any means of solving the problems. Every group meeting I go to I try to include a certain time that I need to leave. It’s usually half an hour after the meeting is supposed to have ended, but every time they are still going strong when that time rolls around. This group leader is by no means the worst leader I have ever worked under, but he does possess an amazing ability to say the exact wrong thing at the exact wrong time. The other group leader I work with telecommutes from Pittsburgh, so he isn’t in the office very often. He shares the same name and religious persuasion as Fagan from Oliver Twist, and even slightly resembles the actor from the musical movie. Most people don’t mind the fact that he’s gone all the time. He shows up for a few days every week and owns a small apartment here in town for those days. It’s always a surprise to see him in the office, so I try to have his projects ready at a moment’s notice.
There are a host of other funny characters that I work with on a more regular basis. My main supervisor has a beard and a ponytail. He is as laid-back as I am type-A, but we get along great. He teaches law, and I would love to have him as a professor. Another woman I work with is a feisty one and fears no one in the office. I somehow got on her good side when I came here, which is a good thing because I work with her a lot. Another woman has platinum blonde hair and a breathy voice that makes her seem like a character straight out of a movie. It’s an interesting group.
The person I see most frequently is my cubicle-mate. He is probably the only person here whom I out-rank. Through some twist of fate I always end up with the juicy projects. I work on news broadcasts and fun research and get taken out to lunch, while he usually is stuck doing data entry or filing or nothing. Normally I would be interested in equality, but this isn’t a normal job, it’s just until the end of the year, so who cares. So I’ll enjoy being not quite the lowest of the low. It’s like the two kids at the end of middle-school track meets that race each other down because neither of them wants to be last.