The theater

Leibniz's blog reminded me of an answer I gave on the 100 Hour Board last June. I had a bad (yet humorous) experience at the Capitol Theater, and since I didn't have a blog then, had someone ask me a question so I could answer it on the Board. Now that I have my own private venue to spew my opinions, I don't need to do that, and I thought it would be fun to see what I wrote back then.:

It's time for one of my rant/rave sessions in which I launch into several topics. What can I say? It’s one of the perks of actually writing for the board that you can vent on your pet peeves. I’m just going to spout off lots of my opinions, and I’m not really serious with most of it, although the underlying message is indeed true. So just take it with a grain of salt.

I went to the theater this week to see “Phantom of the Opera.” It was fun, the music was nice, and I sincerely enjoyed the experience. However, while attending the performance I developed a list of rules to remember when going to the theater. I was abruptly reminded of these rules when people around me flagrantly violated them during the course of the evening.

Rule 1: When at the theater, do not wear blue jeans. In fact, any sort of denim at all should be avoided, even jean skirts in my opinion. While a jacket may not be necessary, you shouldn’t look like my punk kid brother when you walk into a theater. You are spending in excess of seventy dollars just to be there, so take the extra time and change into some nicer clothes. Who knows, you might be mistaken for an intelligent person.

Rule 2: Talking during a play is rude. Talking loudly is even ruder. Talking so loudly that people five rows in front of you can hear is almost a hangable offense. Some people at the performance were lucky I didn’t have any rope on hand.

Rule 3: Don’t take your kids to see a show just because it would be a good experience for them. Rent the movie, or better yet, make them read the book. That might help cure them of the intense attention deficient disorder you have instilled in them since birth. Teenagers will probably be civil during the play, but not obnoxious 11-year-olds. Especially ones who insist on talking. (“What’s going on now, Mom? I don’t get it.”) This same demographic usually violates Rules 1, 2, and 3.

Rule 4: For heaven’s sake, turn your bloody cell phone off!! When your cell phone rings on full volume in the middle of the solo and they have clearly requested all audience members to turn off all phones and sound-making devices, your life is forfeit and you may be shot on the spot. If you are like the person at my performance and you take your sweet time turning the ring off, your family may be sold into indentured servitude to forgive the debt you thus owe to society.

Rule 5: Do not sing along with the music. I go to a musical to hear professionals perform. I do NOT want to hear you in accompaniment. If I wanted to hear you wailing voice I will go to your high-school recital. If you want to sing along to a concert, attend the annual performance of Handel’s Messiah with the Utah Symphony and you can join in the chorus. Another option that is more on the intellect level of the public would be to stick in a video of Disney’s Sing-along-songs. But please, spare me the agony.

There, I said it. Whew. I feel much better. I will now dismount my soap box.