That's sick

I was sick most of last week. It started out with a slightly sore throat, but in a day or two it had blossomed into a full-blown, head-pounding, snotty and stuffy, I-can’t-breathe, body-aching-all-over flu. I don’t get sick very often, so I’m a total wuss when I do get hit with the bug. At first I was afraid I was going to die, and then I was afraid I wouldn’t die.

Actually, it wasn’t too bad, but there was one time in my life when I did feel like that. Well, maybe two times, but one of them was in Latin America, and my general quality of health down there was so low that the incident didn’t seem so comparatively bad. But I really did feel like dying when I was seasick. I spent a week on a private yacht in the Florida Keys with my Boy Scout troop when I was 16, and it was one of the best weeks of my entire life. When we first got on the boat, the captain told us up front that about half of us would probably get seasick, and that it would be very uncomfortable for the first day but by the second day we would all be fine. We all accepted this readily, since it’s not real until you’re hanging over the side of the boat retching. Our first few hours were great, but then we got out onto the open sea and the captain’s predictions came true: half of us were miserable. The first one to go was my friend Charlie, who puked all over the head (the tiny little bathroom on the boat) and had to clean it all up. The smell emanating from below drove us all above deck, where three of us lay on benches or on the deck, trying to ignore our stomachs. By this time we were regretting having eaten sausage and bacon for breakfast. The other four guys in the crew were cheerfully hanging off the bow taking pictures of dolphins, making us feel even worse for our sorry situation. Then the guy to the right of me lost it and the sound of him puking made the guy to the right of me lose it. So I was lying on the deck, plugging my ears while on either side of me my two friends were emptying their stomachs. Gross.

We finally reached the reefs where we were gong snorkeling, and we geared up and got in the water. I felt better for a little bit as we dove down and saw coral and barracudas and sea turtles and stuff. But after a while I started getting queasy, and I discovered a terrible fact: you can actually get seasick while you’re in the water. I had the unfortunate but unique experience of throwing up 10 feet under water. It was pretty spectacular, and I just about drowned before I could get to the surface and take a breath. I at least had the presence of mind to tear my snorkel out of my mouth before the fireworks happened. The worst part was when the fish flocked around and ate the reruns of breakfast. . .

So yeah, I guess I wasn’t too sick last week, and I’m better now. And to all of you going on a boat, I have one piece of advice: take the Dramamine early and often, just in case.